[♪]
♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, limousines ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me ♪
♪ Now I'm stuck in hell suburbia ♪
♪ Never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and car pools make me scream ♪
♪ (screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough ♪
♪ But I've got to ma-ma- mother up! ♪
You sure you don't want a drink?
Brought one.
Fermented cabbage, Amazon river clay,
oil squeezed from the head of a Norwegian trout,
a touch of someone named Jasmine...
Ah, heaven in a glass.
(choking)
You sure those are good for you?
No.
Yeagh!
What did I tell you about playing
in the dumpster behind the hospital?
Nothing.
Oh. Well, don't. And get rid of
that disgusting whatever it is.
It's a plastic model of your lungs.
They're black and yucky because you smoke
cigarettes and treat your body like a fireplace.
Miss Belfonte let me borrow them
to shame you into quitting.
Shame!
Shame?
Ha! You're children. You don't have enough
life experience to shame me.
But science does! It can judge us all!
That's why we have health week...
To teach us the benefits of healthy living.
And there's an assembly at the end of health week.
♪ And they need voluntee-eers! ♪
Thank God.
I was going through assembly withdrawal
because I haven't been to one in days.
Oh, it's my favourite one of the year
And it gets better: I signed us up to be
one of the helper teams for health week.
Now all we have to do is think of a team name.
Ooh! I know, we can print team shirts.
Can we print "I wish I was dead"
on the back of mine?
Dick, what have I told you about
stealing old people for fun?
"Never use your own car" and
"always return them to the home when you're done".
Really? We had that talk?
Well, put it back where you found it.
"It's" name is Marty. He's our class project
and I get to take care of him for health week!
I thought you were supposed to get a hamster
so you could learn how to neglect a pet.
Not anymore. The damn hamster lobby
strong-armed the government and got that banned
so they just use humans now.
Does anyone know how to empty a colostomy bag?
It doesn't sound like the kind of thing
I want to do wrong.
No. And figure it out somewhere
where there's a hose. like the driveway.
Better yet, Greg's driveway.
A project! Let's go!
I don't want this man to happen to you, mommy!
Sarah, if mommy dies can Dick and I live with you?
(crying)
Oh, I'm not going to die.
That only happens to people who are weak.
"Classic smoker's behaviour also includes
rationalizing your addiction."
I can quit anytime I want.
Oh, you're going to quit? That is fantastic!
I said anytime I want.
Look, smoking has always been there for me,
good times and bad.
You can't trust people like that.
But I guess for you kids, I'll quit. Happy?
The happiest!
Oh, good for you, Rudi.
You're not going to regret it.
Regret what?
Oh, right.
Yay!
See you at the volunteer assembly
to pick jobs for the health assembly.
The human body can do disgusting things.
You're not listening, Dick.
Mommy said she's quitting cigarettes!
Really? I wish Marty never started smoking.
Or drinking.
Or "riding the horse" whatever that means.
At least I've seen the worst.
Okay, Marty. I'm gonna take five.
Oh no!!
Hey, what are you doing now?
Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!
Have you told me yet? Why haven't you told me!?
Still making dinner.
Remember, you called a minute ago
and a minute before that and then again right now?
Minutes? Really? It feels like weeks.
They say the worst of the cravings will be gone
after three days.
Well, that settles it. I'm just going to bed.
For three days.
What exactly is going on here?!
I thought you said we were done.
All relationships have their ups and downs,
but we're good for each other.
We're meant to be together.
You had your chance.
Now he's quittin' you, see?
Get back here!
I gave you my heart... And my lungs!
Beep beep beep beep beep beep
good smoke, kids.
I mean have a cigarette day.
Ugh. Sorry I'm tobacco. Late.
I waited as long as I could
but team health hawks got the worst job -
cleaning up after the assembly.
I also picked a team name.
We're the health hawks.
If you got there early why didn't you
volunteer us for something good?
Now I know you don't mean to be a snippy-snoodle.
You're just stressed from quitting smoking.
Ya think?
I'll get the cleaning supplies, but can you
pick me up from janitor heaven later?
Fergus filled the gas tank with corn cobs.
It's an alternate fuel source.
Okay...
See you at janitor heaven.
Mommy, look! I made a pamphlet.
It says "If mommy can do it, so can you!"
Smoke. smoke. smoke. smoke.
(inhaling deeply)
Mommy, what are you doing!?
Nothing. Giving you a kiss like a good mom.
Now why don't you go play with your brother
and his dead friend.
You can help me roll him.
One of his bed sores looks like a cat.
It's less fun than it sounds.
Oh ho ho, there's our little quitter!
Just remember-
get out! get out! get out!
Hi Rudi. It's Sarah. I was just there
and you seemed really frazzled.
I can't take it!
I miss the comforting sound of my lighter,
the first glorious inhale, the sweet smell of smoke!
I can help! There's an ancient practise
that uses a tube to suck the cravings out.
It's been debunked by science
but I bet they were just doing it wrong.
Maybe you should start a hobby
to keep your mind off smoking.
Let me put this in your ear.
Or you could just go for a power walk and tell
those toxins they should be the ones walkin'.
Make them ride the sweat boat
right out of rudi-town! hahahaha.
And then we'll deal with your ears.
You know, maybe I will go for a walk.
To get nicotine patches!
O.M. Jessica Lange! It's a real live power walker!
Rudi?!
No! No Rudies here. Go away.
It's Tiberius.
And Colby!
And Zarathustra!
And Donatella!
We did all of your record company's
social media back in New York!
We partied at your penthouse for a week,
remember?
Oh, hey. Hi guys. Great to see you.
Been too long.
Wow, look at the time. Bye!
Hilarious as always, Rudi.
Don't you want to know why we're here?
"Irony tour of the suburbs!"
Me too!
Your outfit is skyballs.
I am totes instagramming.
(laughing)
I miss you Rudi, we used to rock the best times.
We sure did.
Hey, why don't you guys come back to the, uh,
"suburban cottage" I rented.
Why just do a day tour when you can spend
your vacation living the full suburban experience?
You always did take it one step further
than everyone, Rudi.
That's me, cutting edge.
Ah! I missed you so, so much.
Don't ever leave me again.
(Gregorian chanting)
I only wish I could find even older music
that no one really wants to listen to.
What's that?
A printing press!
It's the only pure way to write.
This day is gonna make the front page of my 'zine.
Wouldn't a computer be easier? Are you poor?
No! I'm interesting.
Look everyone!
I live in the suburbs with a sick older relative!
Mmm. Super presh! Can I quote you?
Be careful! I have to return him
in the same condition I got him in.
Guys, guys! Look at me! Look at me!
I'm "dusting". Oo-doodle-li-doo.
You think that's suburban.
Have you ever used one of these?
Or done this?
Hey! I'm a housewife
and laundry gives me meaning and purpose.
Mommy, you said you weren't
going to smoke anymore.
And I haven't. These lips have not touched
a single cigarette.
Good evening, family!
It's five thirty and I'm home from my job.
5:30... I feel like there was
something I was supposed to do.
(phone ringing)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! A land line!
Oh! Oh! Answer it! Answer it!
Answer it! I'm recording!
Hello?
Um, suburban residence here.
(ringing)
Hello? Beeeeeeeeep
He's flat lining!
Yaaawn. Boring.
If we wanted to watch a stranger die
in front of us we would have stayed in the city.
Come on, lets go find a coffee shop and
talk loudly about the novels we're all writing.
Wait! Where are you going?
I'll drive you. You can all smoke
- I mean fit - in my car.
Dick, Apple, listen to Marty, he's in charge.
Beeeeeeeep
Um, clear?
Aaah! I need help!
Oh! You did great, kiddo.
Thanks to littlemisterdoctor.Com
Marty is alive and now he has a cow's heart.
In India he would be revered
or hated. we'll probably never know.
I haven't slept since he arrived.
Taking care of a sick person
seems a lot harder than a hamster.
Uh-huh. Only if the hamster's not a wizard
and a lot of them are.
Hey! Why don't you have a nap
and I'll keep an eye on the old guy.
Thanks Greg!
Oh, hey, uh... Stranger..
...In my rented house.
Oh, haha, Rudi. Don't tell me
you hired a suburbanite stripper!
Haha. Ew...
Dick needed a little help with Marty.
Selfie!
Where did you get that outfit?
It's so... Here!
They're spillers. 100% stain resistant
and you never have to iron them.
And see, it doesn't wrinkle either.
(laughing)
Guys, check out this vine I made of suburban Greg.
(laughter)
Shanza, my inner spirit child tells me
that was an 'at' laugh not a 'with' laugh.
It's already got 100 ironic likes!
Hurtful words indeed.
Yes, Shanza, mockery is the shawl
that covers the shoulders of insecurity.
Rudi!
Hey, Sarah. Sorry. Busy.
You forgot to pick me up
from the cleaning supply store.
Yeah. Some old friends came to visit
and I lost track of time.
Sorry about the ride.
The whole not smoking thing
has me a bit frazzled and really tired.
Mommy, sit down. We need to talk about
obstructive pulmonary disease.
(laughter)
Gasp! No! No no no no!
You're serious?
This is seriously an original Foreman grill?
For serious?
Well, is there any other kind?
Hi-larious. Totes vintage.
What have you told them?
We've been enjoying suburban Sarah's
"garage sale".
Oh! You're the city folk!
I thought you were community theatre actors!
Have a mini welcome cake.
A little taste of the neighbourhood.
The best!
It's a little early for so much sugar,
but sometimes we get a little whack-a-doodle
here in the 'burbs.
Okay, guys. Better get back to the house
and have some smokes, I mean breakfast.
But we just got here
and everything is so hilariously tacky.
Tacky? No, look.
The tree lights actually work!
I have to own that!
I don't know what's greater:
the fact someone thought it was a
good idea to make it, or the fact someone
thought it was a good idea to buy it.
Well, it's not for sale anymore.
Suburban mom. Hashtag, sad face.
And it's too bad because all of the
proceeds of this sale are going to health week.
Health week? What's that?
Seriously?! We're on the clean up committee
that you keep forgetting about.
We're the health hawks. Squawk-caw!
I don't know if that's the right sound for a hawk.
Look, they're leaving soon.
Just let them laugh at your stuff
while I pretend I don't know you.
Oh, it's a good laugh they want. How's this:
Rudi Wilson does live in that house
with her kids and I can prove it!
A photo album!
Just like the pioneers.
This is Rudi at Dick's soccer game...
At the school bake sale...
Ooh, and at last week's head lice day.
Ewwwww!
She's lying. I don't even have kids.
We've met them.
The weird girl in the mask.
The little boy with the corpse thing.
They're right there.
Give it up, Rudi. You're one of them now.
Once you get sucked in, you can never come back.
Enjoy your new life
if you can even call it a life! ptew!
I've got a life. I'm just taking a break from it
until it gets fixed.
I'm not one of these people.
Wow! Thanks for the lie-rony tour, Rudi.
Come on, gang. Let's flag a cab.
Out here? Good luck with that.
I thought we were friends, Rudi.
We are.
I was just using them for their second-hand smoke.
Mommy!
Great. Thanks a lot, Sarah!
Hey kid, you want me to microwave you
some breakfast popcorn?
No. I've got to learn to do this on my own
so I'm ready for the not-too-far-away day
when you die from smoking.
I knew it would come to this.
I went on the computer and ordered you
a Louboutin coffin. size 6.
Oh, my God!
You think I'm a 6!?
Why is smoking so bad now?
In Indonesia it's still healthy.
(sniffing) I smell smoke!
Whatever, mommy.
I guess its not important!
Oh, come on. It's not that burnt!
Oh, Dick. You can't return the class Marty
before your time is up.
But I won't get my doctor's diploma
from the internet until next week.
I'm practising without a license!
Oh, come on. How hard can it be?
He's just lying there,
happily awaiting tales of your day,
what your dreams are...
Ah, like the perfect husband.
Is he single?
I don't understand what that means.
Bingo for Belfonte! Ha ha!
Tell you what, you keep him alive until
the assembly and I'll take over from there.
Bye for now, handsome!
What would you like, Rudi?
I thought it would be the right thing to do
to let you know I forgive you.
But I didn't do anything.
You sold me out and ruined my
second-hand smoking party.
So to make it up to me, you can-
I'm busy. and for the record,
I am proud of being a suburban mom.
Oh, and not that I'd expect you to remember,
but it's the health week assembly tonight.
Squawk-caw!
Oh yeah!? Well, what's about to happen
to my lungs is on you!
Good for you.
Ah! You can talk?
Why the hell haven't you said anything until now?
Thought it would be cooler to wait for my
tracheotomy voice so I could sound like a robot.
(wheeze) Skirts dig 'bots.
I'd have it now, too, if those lousy doctors
hadn't taken (wheeze) all my smokes.
Ah!
Maybe later.
No! (wheeze) You've gotta fight the fight.
Stick it to the man, make your own rules.
Don't let science boss you around.
(wheeze) I thought you were one of us.
I don't want to be one of you.
Why the hell not? (wheeze) Here...
Let me light that for ya.
Beeeeeeeep
Dick, let's get your homework handed in
before he bleeds out on my floor!
And the scary liquid has been provided by Greg.
I believe it was Gandhi who once said,
"Sure, I'll put that in my mouth".
(vomiting sounds)
Gorgeous.
Next up is Dick Wilson with a speech about
his experience with the class Marty. Dick?
We're running out of time.
I'm going to go tell miss Belfonte I'm here.
Keep pushing mom, please.
Ewww, gross. Don't leave me with it.
What if someone sees me?
Don't die until my kid returns you.
Smoke it.
Inhale the sweet, life-giving vapors.
Hmmm. Well, one every now and again
can't hurt that much.
The experience has been so rewarding
by which I mean it was rewarding.
So rewarding in fact that I felt... Rewarded?
Excuse me for a minute.
Apple, mom's outside with Marty.
You need to help her get him in here
before he dies. please!
And taking care of the class Rudi will be Apple
for this week and forever.
Sorry Marty, I love my smokes
but not as much as I hate the thought of
ending up like cancer hamster.
You did it, mommy!
Yes, I did.
Now let's wheel Dick's homework into the school
before it dies.
And that's why vascular surgery
is a lot harder than it looks.
Thank-you.
(wheeze) It'll be worth it...
Ohhhh!!! Marrrrrrrty!!!!
Oh. He was a Saint!
Twenty-eight is too young to die.
Twenty-eight!?
He made some bad life choices, but still,
bit of a looker.
The medics said Marty was technically dead
before the oxygen ignited
and since he was on school grounds
they're going to handle the burial.
And I passed!
Then everything turned out great.
I'm glad you didn't smoke that cigarette, mommy.
Oh, I'm not as glad as you, honey.
All right, Greg's going to take you guys home
when he's done being sick.
I've got something I have to do.
About the whole leaving you at the store,
making fun of you behind your back
also in front of your back,
and blaming you for a bunch of stuff
that might have been my fault...
I'm sorry. Squawk-caw!
I like your hawk sound.
Thanks, but let's not do that anymore.
Oh, wait... I forgot!
Oh, Lord.
I'm looking for Dick Wilson.
That's me!
I'm Marty Krenshaw's lawyer.
In the days before his death
he changed his will and
left you something very special to him.
Please tell me gold bars were special to him.
He left you his hamster, Mr. Big.
Awesome! I can take care of a hamster!
He's very sick.
He made a lot of bad hamster choices.
(hacking cough)